btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
