If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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