if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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