A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
