Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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