Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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