Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
