Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
