Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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