On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
