I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
