you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
