You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
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There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
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He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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