Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
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So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
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Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"