FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
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You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
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I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk