I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think my vagina is haunted
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
