I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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