I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
