yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
