He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
