I wish my penis had an off switch
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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