Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
