I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
