Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
