:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
