sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
