you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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