I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
