she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
