I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
