I think I won the penis lottery.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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