How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
