Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Just invented taco cereal.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
