I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Randomize
