***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
