I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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