and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
