Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
