Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
The struggles of a small town man whore
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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