I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
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It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
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She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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