I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
