The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
