Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
