she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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