I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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