I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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