there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
