dude i'm inner monologue high
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
