please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
