it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
