the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
