Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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