I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
