Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
