The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
did i just pee glitter
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
