I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
